Deciding When to Escalate Co-Worker Disagreements to a Supervisor

I feel that establishing good communication with your coworkers and managers before problems arise helps you deal better with disagreements when they do occur. Saying to a coworker, "You seem upset today. Is there anything you want to talk about?" is a good way to diffuse an angry outburst that isn't really about work. Likewise, it is easier to casually ask your boss for suggestions in working better with coworkers if you and your boss already are comfortable talking regularly about all aspects of your job and workplace.

What is the best way to talk to the person who is having the outbursts? In my experience when these people are pulled aside into an office or spoken to they tend to feel like they are being singled out and picked on, which can make the situation much more hostile. Would it be best to take this person out to lunch and speak with them in a neutral environment? Should someone from HR be present during the first meeting, so that what is said is observed by a neutral party?

If you decide to confront someone who is prone to emotional outbursts before seeking the help of a supervisor, it can be beneficial to think about the other person's typical reasoning and objections and come up with calm ways to respond. Sometimes, you can overcome aggressive people by simply learning their patterns and responding in neutralizing ways. It's not necessarily your responsibility to do this, but from my own experience, I have found that many people have emotional or developmental problems that are not outwardly obvious, and putting in some effort to understand their behavior can go a long way. But if their behavior starts to poison your workday and interfere with your productivity, it's definitely time to speak to the higher ups. It isn't fair for you work to suffer because of someone else's unresolved issues.

I fully agree with the legal behavior aspect of this issue. It's all well and good trying to solve the problem yourself before heading to your supervisor's office, but if you find yourself on the receiving end of sexual harassment, for example (or you see it being inflicted on someone else), you needn't hesitate to ask for official help.

@William I know there is that fear of confronting the supervisors for conflict resolution only to find that they are friends with your aggressor. However, I still disagree with your idea of going straight to the HR. I think it is still wise to obey protocol by approaching your supervisors then go up to the HR if things don't work. I also believe resolving the conflict entails more than just friendship. Its more about settling the matter for both of you.

@Jane hopefully you did not stay around very long at that company. I have worked in companies where the workplace is so hostile that you are almost afraid to breathe. @Mike couldn't agree more. If there's an issue or disagreement, always try to provide a solution. Managers appreciate when their workers come to them with an issue for which they already have a possible solution. Even if the manager does not take your solution, he will appreciate it and remember it. And who knows - it could be exactly the solution that he would offer!

From a management prospective, one problem that I have when dealing with fighting co-workers is that there's really not much that I can do about it without majorly disrupting the company. So before you bring your complain to management, you should have some sort of resolution in mind as well. What do you hope to get out of the meeting? What would be the best possible result? A lot of times simply having an action plan that your boss can "approve" will go a long way toward his inclination to come down in your favor. However, it's important to be realistic and not waste his time as well. Nobody's getting fired for eating the last donut.

I once worked for a large company where it was impossible to talk to any member of management about personnel problems. Anytime anyone had a problem, it was imperative to go directly to the employee relations specialist. She acted as an ombudsman for internal affairs and handled the numerous situations that arose at this particularly volatile workplace.

@Hema when you lose trust in someone it's hard to get it back. Maybe what you need to do is start over. Greet that coworker with a warm good morning and a smile. If you are going to the cafe for coffee, ask him if he would like a cup. Gradually the residual anger will be gone and you can have at least a tentative working relationship. Disarming him is probably the best way to do it. So try this and see what happens. I, too, have been in your shoes and was amazed that this really worked. We never became best of friends but we were certainly able to work together without the fear of sabotage from either side. If it doesn't work, then you just might have to take the issue to the supervisor and have him act as a mediator if need be so that the two of you can resolve your differences. A manager won't let it go on for too long before one or both of you are out of a job.

In one of my former workplaces, I had quite a few arguments with one of my coworkers and I found that I could never trust him again. Has anyone ever been able to reestablish trust after arguing with a coworker? If you had to work with him afterwards, how did you stop him from sabotaging your work?

Conflicts between co-workers are tricky. On one hand, you could make the work environment worse by reporting it to the supervisor, especially if the supervisor has a better relationship with the other employee. On the other hand, you also should not have to put up with any type of harassment. I would think that taking issues to human resources should be another recommended option.

Thanks for your differing viewpoints. It goes to show that there really isn't a right or wrong but that you need to modify based upon your circumstances. For me, personally, I would never bypass my supervisor by going directly to HR. I have seen that happen and the results were not good. So again, it depends upon the circumstances. Only you know for sure what the best course of action would be for your case.

Conflicts at work are bound to happen, especially with larger workforces. I agree that the best course of action is to try and deal with the issue yourself first. A supervisor has many other things to deal with, and sometimes simply talking with the other person is enough to solve the problem. Involving the supervisor could actually be harmful, as you may be seen as a "rat" and make enemies. Try your best to figure out the issue yourself, and if at all possible, don't involve the supervisor.

I don't think you should go to the supervisor of the bully, or you own supervisor, first. You don't know if the co-worker is friends with these people. If resolving with the other person doesn't work, I head straight to HR at that point. If HR does nothing, it's time to find another job and find a lawyer. Dealing with a combative co-worker isn't worth your sanity.

@Lydia that's a tough situation. It's always best to try to resolve issues on the lowest level possible. Even with that aggressive co-worker - you need to chat. Invite them out to lunch so that you can talk without a lot of listening ears. If they are not interested in chatting but still remain aggressive even after you reached out with an olive branch, then it's best to talk to your manager. Work life is tough enough without adding aggression to the mix.

I think it's a good idea to try and talk things out with coworkers. This might even be seen as a plus when it comes to performance appraisal time. But what do you do about a coworker who is aggressive from the start? Is it ever a good idea to call a meeting right away? How do you do this without seeming like the office tattle tale?