Bullying and Desiring to Be Liked

In this world where Facebook is so popular, it seems everyone “likes” everything we do; unfortunately that does not always transfer over to our job. It is still common place for there to be interpersonal tension between co-workers, and often times this comes from those in a management position.

Yes, managers are people too, and have the same struggles with emotions and frustrations as everyone else. But as one who has achieved a level of success and has been set apart for management, their temperament and people skills should play a factor in their ability to hold that position. Managers have to be a step above the average when it comes to their interpersonal skills at work.

Sadly, managers often get appointed based on time on the job and knowledge, and not so much on leadership and people skills, which is where the trouble starts. They should be functioning on a professional standard that is not necessarily found in the normal non-management level of workers. This means management with respect for others, and leading by example.

Work place bullying should never be tolerated in a company, especially not from managers, as it tears down morale which greatly affects overall job performance. All people deserve some level of respect, and abuse towards others should not be tolerated; yet it is known to occur. People in general have a desire to be liked – it is just one of those built in human conditions we all have. When people do not feel liked, but more of an outcast at work, it adds stress and decreases a desire to work hard to achieve the goal. Some people have an actual strong need to be liked, and this is the human condition to an extreme.  It tends to lead to self-sabotage and accepting all kinds of abuse for the sake of feeling liked and needed.

For the average person, if they do not feel necessarily liked, but still respected, that is an acceptable living condition, and life goes on; while for others that may not be the case. Someone with a strong need to be liked, when they feel they are not liked, can turn that feeling into resentment that can display itself in dysfunctional attitudes. If this is happening at the workplace, it can come out in the form of bad performance reviews, exclusion from groups and projects, and being passed over for advancement.

Take a look at yourself, whether a manager or not, and see which “like” category you feel you fit into. One of the best ways to be liked, it to make sure you are likeable. Being likeable tends to lead to the reward of being liked, and that likeable energy draws in others around you. Most of us have run into someone along the line who we would say walks around with a sour-puss face and grumbles all the time. They tend to be harder to like, and do not give off a likeable attitude, and so that continues to add up and they become less and less likeable over time.

For those with a need to be liked, that often comes across and people pick up on it. Instead of yielding the same fruit of being likeable, it is construed as being needy, and causes people to tend to ignore you, which of course adds up and usually makes things worse. This type of person often does and gives to others as a way of getting or expecting things in return in order to feed the need for being liked and accepted. Their need causes them to place themselves first in most things; and all of this just adds to a further dysfunctional relationship and even bullying of other employees at work. This need may also cause you to look the other way, or bend the rules, or be engaged in unethical activities, simply to fill that need for being liked. None of this is beneficial to your career in the long run.

On the other hand, “likeable” people often give simply to give, without expectations. This is the desired trait to have because it puts others first, which includes the customer as well as the co-worker. They end up being more fair, honest and balanced, which draws in others around them.

Dr. Lois Frankel, in her book Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office discusses many different things that women tend to do that can sabotage their career, with one of them being “Women have an inordinate need to be liked.” But she also plainly states:

It's important for both men and women to be well liked at work - but you can't build a career solely around being liked.

Not only can you not build a career around the need to be liked, but those needs can actually destroy a career over time. So, take a look at yourself and see if you think you would fall into the desire or need category when it comes to being liked, and seek to break out of the slippery slope as much as possible.